This Will Never Work!
Except when it does
When I was a teenager, my friend Linda’s grandparents were known as gracious, attractive, and generous pillars of the community. When Linda shared their love story with our group of friends, we thought it highly romantic. Mrs. D., it turns out, was first engaged to a friend of Mr. D. At the engagement party, Mr. D. came to celebrate with his friend and meet the fiancée.
Shortly thereafter Linda’s future grandmother called off her betrothal. In only a few weeks, she announced a new one—to Mr. D.
When one of their children repeated the story during Mr. and Mrs. D.’s 50th anniversary celebration, it was indeed a charming tale that brought smiles to their children and grandchildren’s faces. Only years later did I stop to think how upset and worried Mrs. D.’s parents must have been and how painful and embarrassing this was for the jilted groom and his family. The scandalous event probably animated neighborhood gossip for many months. Fifty years down the road revealed a happy ending, but at the time it would have been perfectly plausible to see this as a catastrophic and immature infatuation.
Therein lies the hope, but also the frustration, at advising young people about marriage. Most reasonable people recognize the folly of suggesting that regularly smoking cigars is the secret to long life despite the example of comedian George Burns. His case was the exception, not the rule. Suggesting that certain realities support or warn against marriage is an even trickier business.
How likely is it that a man who intends to earn a living and support a family by being an actor, an artist, or a professional athlete will actually do so? Statistically, the odds aren’t good. But there are outliers for whom this is a successful and productive venture.
Studies show that marriages where the woman out-earns her husband, or where both spouses come from broken families, or where the parties involved don’t possess a high school diploma are less likely to last, in varying degrees. Yet, without too much effort, we can point at wonderful marriages sporting exactly those features.
We human beings are created in the image of God. That means that we are each a unique individual. Actuarial studies, however, reflect group reality. This poses an inherent conflict, and a constant tug of war exists between respecting the individual while understanding that “The rules don’t apply to me” is rarely the case.
An aphorism that used to be commonly accepted, but which currently is less popular states, “You made your bed, now, you lie in it.” Today that is labeled as judgmental and unsympathetic. We’re more likely to accept shrugging off obligations and commitments than staying in a bad situation, even though the definition of ‘bad’ constantly expands. Taking responsibility for one’s choices is a rapidly disappearing practice.
In the final analysis however, we live with our choices. Having others pat us on the back and tell us how victimized we are is a poor substitute for living joyously. Viewing ourselves as passive victims keeps us from attaining happiness. While the Bible places great emphasis on respecting one’s parents, it explicitly states that there is no obligation to marry the spouse of your parents’ choice. At the end of the day, each man and woman needs to know that they, and they alone, are responsible for their decision of a mate. If they heedlessly ignore red flags, or even yellow or orange ones they may, like Mr. and Mrs. D., years later laugh at the warnings —or they may have many days and nights in which to regret their impetuosity.